Post by kenhoang on Aug 24, 2016 23:40:45 GMT -5
Postgame Thoughts / Disclaimer (READ FIRST)
So I'm not too surprised I was voted out here, with Liz and the Marked Vote, it was probably inevitable. I'm disappointed I couldn't finish it off but at the same time, I'm super relieved. It looked like I was heading towards a crushing defeat once more and I guess I should've seen it coming even moreso.
I was fucked no matter what this round; a marked vote for me plus Liz's vote meant it was seppuku NOT to vote for me. And that's cool.
I think I played a lot better of a game than my first one and that's all that matters. And for those reading this, YES my social game actually improved lmao. I definitely did not do well in the social aspect of balancing votes, but in actually just talking to people and being cool with them, I think I played and met with some respectable people.
I think my game definitely went downhill when I voted Jeff out, something I still don't know how I feel about. I really felt that with the way things were going, I was heading towards being a FTC loser. If I made it to F5 with icons it would've either been me going home, or me advancing with Linds and Jeff, something that I think would've made the little chance of me winning squashed to zero. Like Jeff was always voting for Linds in FTC, Linds was always voting for Jeff, and I think Taj probably felt the same way. The real issue and frustration in my game style right now is that I just have a REALLY tough time being an enjoyable person? Like fuck for most people I think that's pretty easy, but in the grand scheme of things I'm very uptight (I know, *shocking*) and not as personable as I'd like to be with others. I feel the same effects in real life as well as here, and I struggle with the sometimes. It's a hard feeling not being as likable as you want to be, especially with people you really like???
I know in real life, that became a big issue for me. I lost a lot of friends two years ago after I started a relationship with my now girlfriend, and it was really hard on me because I just felt like I've never had the huge persona or guts to make some fuckin new ones. I was lonely for a while and that lead to me joining the Minecraft community, which lead to me creating Big Brother and Survivor ORG-type games within the Minecraft media, which lead to me watching the show and eventually finding ORGs. It's hard to say whether interacting with people online has really helped my confidence, I think it some ways it has but in a lot of ways it really hasn't, the experience is just a lot different in more ways than one.
So essentially what I'm trying to say is if I was a perky, emotional character like Liz or a funny, charismatic dude like Jeff, I would've totally rolled with Jeff and Lindsey to F3. I think there's just a lot of self-realization that I'm still figuring out with these games that I have yet to fully comprehend. My biggest obstacle isn't usually the strategic side, nor even social to the extent in that I don't really make any enemies? Like there were definitely a good few people in this game that respected me/I respected them. It's my self worth and my projection to others that definitely takes a toll on myself.
So I just want to apologize to Jeff. For the move, and because I definitely hurt your feelings. The whole "taking emotion out of it" in retrospect is also just hard to deal with. I mean I did have a lot of emotions there? My initial reaction was really that I just didn't want to be fake in spewing apologies when it was a vote I STARTED, but I think my issue lies in my lack of reality in NOT ever apologizing, not taking into effect the others emotional connection with me.
I learned from this game that F2s are something to take a little more lightly, I think I was way too loyal to my commitment with Darnell and should've just dropped that when I needed to. The dude has ZERO votes against him and has in my books just played a seriously good game, as has Lindsey, and it disappoints me slightly that I was gonna drag him into it. I like the guy, but I would much rather, as of now, have Lindsey win.
I have a love/hate relationship with the game of Survivor, and it pains me. I love the strategy and the concept and the people but I just can't tell if I'll ever be in it to win it. As much as I have a fair grasp of the strategic concept and social construct, Survivor like Big Brother, is in the end fairly based on popularity. People need to like you to align with you, people need to like you to vote for you in the end, and people just want to play with people they enjoy playing with, because the experience really isn't worthwhile otherwise.
As my second game it's an ending that hurts but is satisfying. My first loss hurt but was still gratifying; I think I knew my place in the game and was expecting the end result for a while. In this one I tried to take control and failed the position of power immensely. I have a lot of respect for players like Lindsey that can hate how every vote goes, keep voting in the majority, and STILL be a probable favorite to win. The way I am right now in my life I just have such a feeling my only winning road would be a road of control, and this game was my feeble attempt at control. It worked out alright and I am very satisfied with fourth place, being a member of the jury once more, and just able to fucking relax...ORGs are killer on the mind.
I have a link here of the Google Doc I used to keep track of votes:
docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HOdymNzLwhthQTSpZIk2GrrEfxSdQWirs41PnfhjRFQ/edit?usp=sharing
I think for the large majority of it, it holds accurate.
What I have to do less is stop bitching in my confessional about which jury vote is going where and just take a fucking chill pill. I think this game there was a lot of it because it was simply my goal to not be burned out at the end, and it was probably a blessing Liz kept winning because it was a probably loss to both Darnell and Lindsey. I would have never taken Liz under any circumstances; she had the underdog story AND I would not accept her being the victor of this game, unlike Darnell and Lindsey, who have both played quite superior.
I hope everyone can take my confessional with a grain of salt and respect how I've thought and played. I might just hold back on some parts of people's confessionals because there are definitely aspects of my game I'm sure people bitched about hugely, and rightfully so.
I did not play the game to win or the game to be the likable favorite, I simply played as best as I knew how. Still my second game here
I was fucked no matter what this round; a marked vote for me plus Liz's vote meant it was seppuku NOT to vote for me. And that's cool.
I think I played a lot better of a game than my first one and that's all that matters. And for those reading this, YES my social game actually improved lmao. I definitely did not do well in the social aspect of balancing votes, but in actually just talking to people and being cool with them, I think I played and met with some respectable people.
I think my game definitely went downhill when I voted Jeff out, something I still don't know how I feel about. I really felt that with the way things were going, I was heading towards being a FTC loser. If I made it to F5 with icons it would've either been me going home, or me advancing with Linds and Jeff, something that I think would've made the little chance of me winning squashed to zero. Like Jeff was always voting for Linds in FTC, Linds was always voting for Jeff, and I think Taj probably felt the same way. The real issue and frustration in my game style right now is that I just have a REALLY tough time being an enjoyable person? Like fuck for most people I think that's pretty easy, but in the grand scheme of things I'm very uptight (I know, *shocking*) and not as personable as I'd like to be with others. I feel the same effects in real life as well as here, and I struggle with the sometimes. It's a hard feeling not being as likable as you want to be, especially with people you really like???
I know in real life, that became a big issue for me. I lost a lot of friends two years ago after I started a relationship with my now girlfriend, and it was really hard on me because I just felt like I've never had the huge persona or guts to make some fuckin new ones. I was lonely for a while and that lead to me joining the Minecraft community, which lead to me creating Big Brother and Survivor ORG-type games within the Minecraft media, which lead to me watching the show and eventually finding ORGs. It's hard to say whether interacting with people online has really helped my confidence, I think it some ways it has but in a lot of ways it really hasn't, the experience is just a lot different in more ways than one.
So essentially what I'm trying to say is if I was a perky, emotional character like Liz or a funny, charismatic dude like Jeff, I would've totally rolled with Jeff and Lindsey to F3. I think there's just a lot of self-realization that I'm still figuring out with these games that I have yet to fully comprehend. My biggest obstacle isn't usually the strategic side, nor even social to the extent in that I don't really make any enemies? Like there were definitely a good few people in this game that respected me/I respected them. It's my self worth and my projection to others that definitely takes a toll on myself.
So I just want to apologize to Jeff. For the move, and because I definitely hurt your feelings. The whole "taking emotion out of it" in retrospect is also just hard to deal with. I mean I did have a lot of emotions there? My initial reaction was really that I just didn't want to be fake in spewing apologies when it was a vote I STARTED, but I think my issue lies in my lack of reality in NOT ever apologizing, not taking into effect the others emotional connection with me.
I learned from this game that F2s are something to take a little more lightly, I think I was way too loyal to my commitment with Darnell and should've just dropped that when I needed to. The dude has ZERO votes against him and has in my books just played a seriously good game, as has Lindsey, and it disappoints me slightly that I was gonna drag him into it. I like the guy, but I would much rather, as of now, have Lindsey win.
I have a love/hate relationship with the game of Survivor, and it pains me. I love the strategy and the concept and the people but I just can't tell if I'll ever be in it to win it. As much as I have a fair grasp of the strategic concept and social construct, Survivor like Big Brother, is in the end fairly based on popularity. People need to like you to align with you, people need to like you to vote for you in the end, and people just want to play with people they enjoy playing with, because the experience really isn't worthwhile otherwise.
As my second game it's an ending that hurts but is satisfying. My first loss hurt but was still gratifying; I think I knew my place in the game and was expecting the end result for a while. In this one I tried to take control and failed the position of power immensely. I have a lot of respect for players like Lindsey that can hate how every vote goes, keep voting in the majority, and STILL be a probable favorite to win. The way I am right now in my life I just have such a feeling my only winning road would be a road of control, and this game was my feeble attempt at control. It worked out alright and I am very satisfied with fourth place, being a member of the jury once more, and just able to fucking relax...ORGs are killer on the mind.
I have a link here of the Google Doc I used to keep track of votes:
docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HOdymNzLwhthQTSpZIk2GrrEfxSdQWirs41PnfhjRFQ/edit?usp=sharing
I think for the large majority of it, it holds accurate.
What I have to do less is stop bitching in my confessional about which jury vote is going where and just take a fucking chill pill. I think this game there was a lot of it because it was simply my goal to not be burned out at the end, and it was probably a blessing Liz kept winning because it was a probably loss to both Darnell and Lindsey. I would have never taken Liz under any circumstances; she had the underdog story AND I would not accept her being the victor of this game, unlike Darnell and Lindsey, who have both played quite superior.
I hope everyone can take my confessional with a grain of salt and respect how I've thought and played. I might just hold back on some parts of people's confessionals because there are definitely aspects of my game I'm sure people bitched about hugely, and rightfully so.
I did not play the game to win or the game to be the likable favorite, I simply played as best as I knew how. Still my second game here
